sanctuary for FBI whipping boys

Daniel, I have a present for you: Click me

For the rest of you:

( What part of Thanksgiving are you? )

Thanksgiving trivia, anyone? I got 8/11.

We're all good, here. Relatively speaking, you know. Still dealing with...stuff. And new stuff, too! But...getting through it.

So we made it to Greece. Not that I suspect that was ever in doubt. Just got in...well, it was Sunday afternoon, it's about 3 in the morning here now, and, god, about 60 degrees. I won't miss frost, I can guarantee that. Luckily, we timed the kids' sleeping pretty well on the trip, so they're out, and hopefully will avoid the majority of jet lag. Daniel and I will not be so lucky, but...it's not like bizarre sleeping patterns are new, so it's ok. The house is in pretty good shape, considering it's been a while since we were here, and the last time some of us were, there wasn't a lot of cleaning going on. I'm saving most of that for the morning, though...settled for defeating a giant spider (seriously, the thing was massive) and fresh sheets tonight.

...like any of you care about my housekeeping style, sorry. Point is, we're relatively settled. Gonna get the kids enrolled in school tomorrow, so it isn't all vacation. Will's already functionally fluent in Greek, and Ari's getting there, so they should do fine, hopefully make some friends. It's small, obviously, and quiet, and even if the material isn't actually challenging, the material in a different language should be.

And since I can't sleep, and fully plan on sipping bourbon (brought a couple of my birthday bottles along, now that I'm drinking again) on the porch until about sunrise (then maybe there'll be time for a nap), here are some typical ridiculous memes:

( If one of the options for #4 was 'shoot', I'd have taken my tropical fruit personality more seriously )

( Turns out I have a large vocabulary. Who knew? )

( Huh. Well, that might be the ONLY place I'm healthy... )

( Wow, it told me why Daniel loves me in five questions! )

( Now, I know this one isn't true. )

( So wrong. )

Hi. Still crazy. Drugged and such. The restraints are generally off, though.

Good news is, we got a second opinion, and have an..option. Besides ineffective drugs and constant suicide watch, that is. The bad news is, I've been deemed incapable of making decisions for myself. Which is total bullshit, just for the record. There IS no decision to make. I HAVE no other options. And the chance of death is tiny! Like, 2%! As if I would cave to a 2% mortality rate.

But apparently, Daniel will be the one deciding if I'm allowed to go forward. And apparently, he can't do this quickly.

Abby, Tony, Agent Gibbs, I'm...sorry. To hear about your director.

( Cut )

Ari got promoted to yellow belt. School is fine, which makes me nervous. Why does Colorado allow children to play baseball in the 'fall'? Who thought strapping blades on my daughter's feet and giving her a club and access to other children was a good idea?

So I know I'm a couple days late, but thanks for the birthday wishes, especially to Tony and Gibbs. I'm well-stocked in excellent bourbon now, guys. It was a relatively low-key celebration, but I can honestly say that ridiculously complex cake, flower arrangements from the pets, a beautiful guitar and zombies made it one of the best in memory.

Tony, glad you're not arrested anymore. Does sound like the FBI, though, they're not big on evidence.

Other than Tuesday, things have...not been going all that well, actually. I spent last night in the infirmary courtesy of Drs. Prader and Lam, and it's not been an altogether pleasant experience. Carolyn suspected there might be something wrong with my brain, because...well, just because, but my scan was clean. Can't blame anybody else for it, I guess. I'm just fucked up, I'm just finally losing it. Guess it was really just a matter of time.

And now, since I'm off-duty until the docs hit on the right combination of meds -- if they do -- I can't even do anything about the information we did get on the group that took Daniel. So I continue to be utterly useless, in pretty much every way that matters.

I just-- I want to go home. I want to sleep this off like everything else, get back to normal, feel normal. But that doesn't seem to be an option anytime soon. And it means I can't do anything to help Daniel, can't be a parent, can't do anything except sit around under fucking observation and wait for the drugs to work.

And let me tell you, they're not.

Just got into Colorado Springs. It's...good to be home.

Just have to stop by Ari's school, get her work for the week, try to explain what happened, without, you know, explaining what happened. I figure they're well-versed in military culture, so it shouldn't be much a hassle. In fact, I think I'll take her with me to fake-sniffle, she's pretty good at that. Leave picking the mutts up from boarding at the vet to Daniel and Will. I wonder what Jack-dog ate this time?

I know I haven't been particularly talkative lately, and to be honest, I don't feel that changing, even though it probably should be, but I do want to thank...everybody. I'm sure you all know what for. Sam and Dean, sorry for rushing the kids from your care without any notice, but I really appreciate you hanging out with them.

Believe it or not, this is not actually the worst I've ever been. This is -- crazy, I realize. I'm clinical, I know this, I just-- it doesn't matter, much. I've been helpless like this before, even where Daniel's concerned. There was the-- the three-day death, almost a year ago exactly, but I didn't feel crazy, then, just...resigned? I don't know. Just sad. Maybe I didn't feel like it was all my fault then, at least not at first, and maybe I shouldn't now either, but it's-- well, it's my bad guy.

And maybe just, the last thing I said, and all. Makes it worse.

But, still. Not the worst I've been, and John Winchester was the one who brought me back, then. This time, I don't-- I'm not that far gone. Still something I can do. Hope there's somebody I can kill, at the end of this. Hope I get forgiven, at the end of all this, by any number of people, even if I don't deserve it. And I guess that hope is better than nothing.

Sam and Dean -- appreciate the babysitting. I don't-- obviously, I don't know how long...but I know Will feels better, having you there.

Things are just-- not going anywhere. It's...it's frustrating, being so powerless, but there's nothing I can do except wait, and hope that Abby and McKay come up with something.

In DC. Hate leaving the kids again; hate even more why.

We found Daniel's cell phone at Ronald Reagan, along with enough blood to assume the loss of his subcutaneous tracking device.

My team is investigating.

[Private Entry]

I don't even-- I don't know what to think. Gut says I know who's behind this, I just, I have to find them.

And all I can fucking think about is that I should've fucking gone to breakfast.

So this turned out to be a pretty simple case (by our standards). I wrapped up my final report this morning, but to summarize:

We had proof in the form of an audio recording of what happened, and the conversation that night started off civilly enough on his part, with her being a little distant and, presumably, busy with her experiment. She confirmed that during their encounter, he seemed to change, going from "a little desperate" to violent, and a careful reading of the tape correlated her account with reality (including the 'trigger' phrase). Our base shrinks independently diagnosed PTSD coupled with at least a three-month history of stimulant abuse, which probably didn't help his brain chemistry and further exacerbated the aggression.

The scientist is fine. I actually think she was happy to hear there was a...reason for the attack, and she's already been assigned to projects at Area 51, though I wouldn't be surprised if she returns to her original post sooner rather than later.

I've recommended that the Marine be suspended from duty while he completes detox and treatment for PTSD, and following that he be reassigned outside Colorado Springs. It may seem lenient (and obviously I am not in the chain of command, so it is not ultimately my decision) but the way I see it, the SGC has to take responsibility for this event. They failed both individuals involved by allowing a black market in dangerous and illegal substances to flourish on the outpost, they failed both individuals by leaving the base without a trained outlet for counseling and mental health care, and they failed both individuals by not updating their screening procedures after years of this mission. I've recommended that all three of those things be addressed, and in fact in going over the Marine's MMPI results, I think it's possible that a trend toward his behavior under extreme duress could in fact be identified. Seven individuals currently on the same base have similar profiles, and while nobody should be sent home, support systems need to be in place so this doesn't happen again.

That said, my life is rather good. Will starts baseball Saturday and we made Daniel buy a glove last night. So far he's just put it reverently on a shelf next to some old shit, but don't worry, I am going to make him actually use it. Unfortunately, the 'throw like a girl' insult is relatively ineffective given his daughter's impeccable aim, but I'm sure I'll be able to come up with alternative tactics for motivation.

Ok, so it may not be the best case ever to return to, but I really don't care.

Have to go through a couple brain scans this morning before I meet with Sheppard, and I have to requalify on the range and meet with one of the shrinks (Daniel's, I hope) this afternoon before my clearance is restored, but I figure those hoops are a small price to pay for being back at work.

Hope everybody had a good Labor Day. I certainly did.

Home from California, recovering, etc. Tony, I'm still waiting for the fruits of your labor, as it were.

In the meantime, I am, apparently, Brazilian, chili peppers and a Dalmation. That's right, firemen love to pet me.

( memes )

( Memes! )

More inane than usual, Tony, very kind of you. Heh. At least L is accurate. I'm pathetic at empathetic and caring. Friendly, charming, warm? HA. But at least the tree is mildly accurate. For a TREE MEME.

Made it home, mostly recovered. Tattoo is healing; that was not my best decision of the week, but the design's not bad, anyway. Daniel's are better, it may have been his best decision of the week.

...now we have to go to Disneyland. What were we thinking?